Insightful Parents Blog

Fear is not a good way to discipline

The house I grew up in Thane holds several memories. One very clear one is of my amma and me cowering in one corner of the single cot while my hero dad ran behind a huge lizard with a broom, determined to save the women folks from being martyred at the hands of said reptilian intruder.

Okay, so it was a baby lizard about the size of an overgrown ant, but it looked like a miniature alligator.

This was not a one off scene. One would think the lizards would get the message and have the basic decency to stop visiting a place they were not welcomed. The only thing achieved out of this exercise was my deep set fear of lizards, which was relegated to the subconscious once we moved to a house that had a far smarter version of the species. They understood that the balcony was the only place they were tolerated.

Then I moved to Noida and as if the culture shock was not big enough, the lizards made a comeback and how. Not only did they not stay out in the balcony, they sometimes chose to walk on the floor! Well hello, clearly the inter-species boundaries memo hadn’t reached them. So it was back to cowering with the husband taking on the mantle of the hero broom bearer.

When the daughter came along, I wish I could say I became braver. I used to avoid going upstairs to our room alone past late evenings. One such evening, we ran out of nappies downstairs and it was a battle between mopping up after Miss No-control over bladder or facing the monster lizards.

I mustered courage, picked the progeny and trudged up. I stood watching the lizards (yes, in plural) having a casual conversation around the light bulb as if I had all evening to wait for them to move along. That was when the little one turned, pointed towards the lizards and said “chippi” (short for chipkali — lizard) and gave a delighted little gurgle, she obviously thought them harmless. The tiny person who couldn’t even walk taught me a life lesson.

I had no clue why I was scared of lizards, except for the fact that my mother had palpitations every time she saw them. Those poor things had never harmed me, but had been at the receiving end of some very innovative curses. It all boiled down to what I had perceived as danger based on my amma’s reactions.

That is the funny thing with notions and fears, most times they stem from someone else’s experiences. We just absorb them like a sponge when we are young and we keep feeding them till they become unbeatable monsters.

This is why we say never to use fear as a tool to instill discipline. What may seem like an easy way to get your child to behave might lead to a life time living in morbid terror. And fear, is a sticky, contagious, evil thing that loves to grow to encompass much more than what it initially was. The ‘buddha-babas’ and the selling you to gypsies threat from childhood take on sinister roles.

Don’t do it. Don’t instill your fears or any other fears in your children. The world and adult life has enough challenges, you don’t need to add deep set fears to it.

There are so many, many ways to ensure your child understands your point of view. Do not underestimate them, while at the same time; do not forget that they have a very impressionable mind.

Happy Parenting!

Edited to add:
Wonder how the lizards can walk up the walls and crawl across the ceilings? Lizards have pads on their feet. These minute hooks create the conditions like a suction pump and thus, enable lizards to run up on apparently smooth walls and even upside down on plaster ceilings. Because these hook-like cells are bent downward and to the rear, the lizard curls its toes upwards to disengage them.
And this is why they HAVE NO BUSINESS WALKING ON THE FLOOR.
Thank you.